hello I miss you a lot a lot a lot and I wish I could tell you
i like singing, ice cream, banjos, palindromes, and people that can hold intelligent conversations. kids who can't read good and wanna learn to do other stuff good too
i don’t know why you gave up on us, why you gave on me, why you gave up on yourself. i just want to know why you think it’s over, why you are so truly against being with me. because i don’t understand.
Being in a permanent state of sadness for a period of time is really most visible in retrospect, when the feeling of looking forward to things comes back, or when you feel proud of a thing that you did. It’s awesome to feel good again, but it’s surprising.
i deserve someone way better than what you’re treating me like now. i deserve someone who treats me the way you treated me when we were dating. so i don’t know if you’re an asshole deep down, and july through october was just you covering up, or if that’s who you truly are and you’re just hiding it or covering it up or something. and yeah it makes me a fool to still put up with your shit, but it also shows that i’m dedicated, that i’m committed, that i’m serious about this and i’m serious about you. which is exactly what you wanted a few months ago. a serious relationship.
and the fact that you’re pushing away your feelings for me and TRYING to get rid of them just shows that you’re making the wrong decision even more. i would understand more if you were like “i need to be alone, but i still like you.” but instead you’re all “i still like you and i’m gonna get rid of my feelings for you so i can be all by myself.” like what fucking sense does that make.
sometimes i think about the things you’ve done in your past or the things i hear about you doing now, and i just don’t know if you’re truly a nice guy whose done some asshole, stupid things, or if you’re an asshole who is really good at covering it up
yeah it’s nice to talk to someone else. it’s nice to feel wanted and to be distracted and to have something to giggle at. but i wish it was you more than anything.
i feel stupid all the time. i never know which emotion is right. i guess not one has to be right, that they’re all right, but still. sometimes i feel really sad and i want to cry and cry and i want to be selfish and have him all for my own because i need him. sometimes i reminisce and just miss all the good times we had together. sometimes i so badly want to feel sad, but i don’t feel sad at all. i feel empty. he’s not making me sad, i’m not sad, but nothing’s make me happy either. and that scares me. because maybe i really am over it, and i just miss the boyfriend aspect. but i still love him so much don’t i? i just feel stupid for having all these emotions and i know i shouldn’t feel stupid but i just do and i just want to cry cuz i just want this to be over with
i miss you so fucking much and it’s so unfair. even just seeing or hearing one tiny little thing or seeing you for 2 minutes makes me feel so freakishly empty inside. my body gets heavy but i feel like nothing is inside of me. and it’s so damn unfair. everybody sees you being so happy and carefree and having fun and flirting with girls and probably hooking up too and not being stressed out or having any problems and being over me. and then they see me, being honest with my feelings, and being sad and being upset, and they just think i’m being a stage 5 clinger, being obnoxious and not moving on. it’s so embarrassing for me. i’m the one who has a great life besides this. you’re the one who has everything else falling apart. and either suddenly everything got really great for you, or you’re putting on an act. i think it’s the latter. and everyone’s believing it and it’s embarrassing for me because they don’t know the truth. the truth of your situation or my feelings or your feelings. it’s so damn embarrassing but i don’t want to fake it and i couldn’t anyways. so why is it so easy for you too? why can’t you be honest with what’s going and with what your feelings are?